The Housewife's Prayer

The SALESMAN in this piece is a smooth-talking (but likeable) character.� He is smartly dressed and carries a clipboard.� A small suitcase is conveniently out of sight but near to hand.

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When planning this sketch, it was my original intention to cast two characters; the other being the housewife.� However, she said so little that I eventually wrote her out, leaving her lines to the imagination.� However, if �feed lines� are thought appropriate, she could easily be �written in� again.

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A SALESMAN knocks at a door.� As it opens, he begins his well-rehearsed patter �.

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Good afternoon, Miss.� May I speak to the lady of the house?

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Oh, I�m sorry, I didn�t realise � it�s just that you look so young �

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Let me say first of all that I�m not trying to sell you anything.� No double-glazing, cavity wall insulation or imitation-stone exterior wall-covering.� No make-up, lemonade, encyclopaedias or miracle mops and brushes.

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I�m simply conducting a brief survey about household appliances and I�d be extremely grateful if you wouldn�t mind answering a few brief questions.� It will only take a few moments.

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(reassures the housewife)

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(ticking questionnaire)

Just a survey.

Thank you.

Tell me, do you own more than one television?

I see.

Do you own a video?

DVD?

Washing machine?

Tumble drier?

Dishwasher?

Housewife�s prayer?

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(supposedly taken aback)

No?� I thought a lovely home like this would be sure to have one.� Never mind.� Let�s move on.� Do you have any �?

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The Housewife�s Prayer?� Of course.� I suppose if you haven�t heard of it that would explain why you haven�t got one yet.

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(almost aside)

I thought everybody knew about it � what with it being in all the papers and on the telly �

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� is, in a nutshell, the latest technological breakthrough to help improve the quality of every busy woman�s life.� It helps to ease the stresses and tensions of twentieth century home management.� As they say in the adverts � �There�s never a care with the Housewife�s Prayer.�

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What does it do??� It does everything!� For starters, it does the housework, makes the beds, irons shirts, scrubs the bath and scours the loo.� It collects cobwebs, eradicates dust and picks the fluffy bits out of belly-buttons.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� ensures that you stay eternally attractive to men; keeps complexions wrinkle-free; removes unsightly flab from bums, tums, hips and thighs; and has a built-in depilatory system that uses neither waxes, creams, tweezers or messy razor-blades.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� has the capacity to create an endless variety of imaginative menus to satisfy the fussiest of families.� It dices vegetables, grates cheese, slices meat and fruit, removes bacon-rind, knobbly-bobs and gristly bits.� It mixes, blends, purees, simmers, boils and bakes.� The �Housewife�s Prayer� filters out E-numbers, artificial flavourings and colourings; injects additional vitamins, calcium and bran-fibre; before serving your meal on a pleasantly decorated tray complete with fresh flowers.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� strips paint and wallpaper, decorates bedrooms, tidies the garden shed, mends leaky gutters and sticking garage doors.� It detects clunking, thumping, pinking, hissing and whirring noises in mechanical implements; repairing them immediately with fibre-glass, plastic filler, elastic bands and double-sided sticky-tape as appropriate.� It changes plugs and fuses; re-wires broken table-lamps; mends kettles, toasters and hair-driers; sharpens knives, scissors, shears and mowers; cuts the grass, removes weeds, mends fences and feeds the birds.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� reminds you when your library books need renewing; remembers to turn on your electric blanket in time for bedtime; and turns on the alarm last thing at night.� It makes sure that husbands never come home drunk, that teenager children show respect, that neighbours never criticise and that the window-cleaner doesn�t leave smeary bits in the corners.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� ensures that you use money-off coupons before they go out of date, always knows where your house-keys are and is capable of reading those complicated dials on the gas meter.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� will not only protect your children from head-lice and your dog from worms, it scares off next-door�s cat and keeps at bay the ginger kids from across the road.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� will select, record, review, edit, play back and watch with you a selection of your favourite TV programmes.� It will walk the dog, clean out the rabbit, feed the goldfish and teach the budgie to speak politely.� It listens attentively to conversation and answers intelligibly, even during breakfast.� It discusses politics, art, fashion and design, the price of tomatoes and what happened last night on Coronation Street, Eastenders and Who wants to be a millionaire? �It can explain the meaning of The Times crossword clues, predict the winning lottery numbers and provide you with words for cheating at Scrabble.

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The �Housewife�s Prayer� speedily despatches Mormons, Jehovah�s Witnesses and door-to-door salesmen � present company excepted.� It detects the imminent knock of the charity-envelope collector and automatically closes the curtains and dims the lights.� It picks up the potato peelings dropped by the dustmen and the empty crisp packets of the kids from the local comprehensive.

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It can sing, dance, juggle, unicycle, perform the triple salko and walk the high-wire.

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It acts as a lie-detector, toe-protector, fuel-injector and emergency stand-by heart and lung machine.

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What does it look like??

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Of course, had we been offering the �Housewife�s Prayer� for sale a decade ago, it might well have occupied the best part of a three-bedroomed semi.� But, due to the wonders of the silicon chip, coupled with the latest fibre-optic technology and self-carbonating reprographics techniques, we have been able to condense the �Housewife�s Prayer� into little more than an average-sized suitcase.� By chance, I just happen to have one here, which you may care to examine.

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(SALESMAN opens case and points out various features whilst continuing with his sales patter.)

One might expect such a sophisticated machine to cost a little more than an arm and a leg � but, due to a preferential agreement with a reputable finance company, we are able to offer special terms for those customers who fulfil certain criteria.� Especially with you in mind, the �Housewife�s Prayer� need cost no more than a very reasonable down-payment supplemented by modest monthly payments from now until Christmas � (lowering voice) � or until Doomsday, whichever should last the longer.

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In short, the �Housewife�s Prayer� is an offer not to be missed.� Not only is it guaranteed against fire, flood, hell and high water, but also against friction-induced electrostatic interference, falling meteorites, axe-wielding madmen and the typical two-year-old child.� It will unquestionably improve your quality of life and will make you the envy of all your friends � and, more especially, your enemies.

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Indeed, Madam, it does sound heavenly.

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(a little hesitant)

No � I�m afraid it can�t.

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(jocular)

There are, after all, limitations to what modern technology can do.

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Yes, I know it does just about everything else.� It can, after all, book you a holiday to Costa Rica, the Costa del Sol and the Costa Packet Hotel, Skegness.� It will check your plane reservations, pack your cases, keeping the keys in a safe place, order a �

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(as if interrupted)

Perhaps not, but it can climb mountains, abseil down again, shoot the rapids, traverse Arctic snowdrifts �

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(as if interrupted again � but carrying on regardless, almost in a state of panic)

At the touch of a button it readily transforms into a hang-glider, micro-light airplane, hot-air balloon or a Boeing 727 - but no, Madam (exasperated) you are right, it cannot actually give you peace of mind or a place in heaven.

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You want to tell me about what?

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The �salesman�s prayer�?

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(exhausted and bemused)