Ho-ho-flippin'-ho
A seasonal sketch featuring not just one - but THREE Father Christmas's.
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SCENE:� A table centre stage surrounded by 3 or 4 chairs.
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COSTUME: Each of the characters wears traditional Santa Claus costume.
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Ho-ho-flippin'-ho |
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A seasonal sketch featuring not just one - but THREE Father Christmas's. � SCENE:� A table centre stage surrounded by 3 or 4 chairs. � COSTUME: Each of the characters wears traditional Santa Claus costume. � |
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SANTA 1 enters.� He sits down and starts to take off his boots, grumbling and mimicking spoilt kids |
SANTA 1 |
Ho-ho-ho.� Ho-ho-ho.� Ho-ho-flippin'-ho!� Bloomin' feet are killing me.� I'm sure these are a size too small.� This costume's like a sauna on legs, and the kids are never satisfied.� "Haven't you got a doll that wets itself?"� "This teddy's got a wonky ear 'ole."� "My mate's got a bigger gun than that."� "This is only a pretend camera."� What do they expect for 50p?� Auto-focus zoom lens?� What 'appened to "an orange, an apple and a penny"?� And then there's the parents.� I got one this morning complaining 'cause her kid wanted a soldier and when he got home it was just an empty box.� I told her it was an Action Man deserter!� All they ever want is guns and tanks and planes and bombs.� What happened to "peace and goodwill"?� And what's it all for?� So that "bootiful" Bernard Whats-is-name can make a fortune from his butterball turkeys.� Bloomin' con, if you ask me...all of it.� If I hear another bloomin' ho-ho-ho I'll scream. | � |
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Off stage |
SANTA 2 |
Ho-ho-ho! | � |
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SANTA 1 |
Aagh! | � |
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SANTA 2 enters |
SANTA 2 |
You alright?� Shall I get you a doctor? | � |
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SANTA 1 |
No, I am NOT alright... but it's not a doctor I need, it's a psychiatrist.� I must be crazy doing this. Does your nose itch? | � |
| � | Puzzled |
SANTA 2 |
No, why? | � |
| � | Bitter |
SANTA 1 |
You must have the real hair beard, then.� This synthetic fibre does nothing for my upper lip.� Look at this rash. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Give over.� You're always grumbling.� But I bet you love it really. | � |
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SANTA 1 |
Love it?!� Sitting there with a wet knee for half the day, then just when you're beginning to dry out, another one gets nervous and does the honours.� Love it!� You must be joking.� What's to love? | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Their smiling faces, their bright eyes, their eager anticipation... | � |
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SANTA 1 |
Stop it, you sound like an advert for dog food. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Don't you just love it when they tell you, all serious, that they've moved since last Christmas and they haven't got a chimney in the new house. | � |
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SANTA 1 |
I tell 'em I'm not coming.� If it won't go through the letter box they're not getting anything. | � |
| � | Dreamily |
SANTA 2 |
"How's Prancer?" they say, and "Did you bring Rudolph?" | � |
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SANTA 1 |
I tell 'em I've come on me bike... and I've sent the reindeer for dog meat. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Ain't it great when they gaze up at you, and you know you're fulfilling their dreams... | � |
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SANTA 1 |
They've got a funny way of showing their appreciation.� They come running up to you and start thumping you in the belly. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
So what's wrong with a few little playful punches in the tummy? | � |
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SANTA 1 |
It's alright for you - yours is a cushion. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Don't you just enjoy the warm glow you get when you give a kid just what they want... | � |
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SANTA 1 |
They want a clip round the ear, half of them.� Honest... I turned me back for a second and some kid pinched me egg timer. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Egg timer!? What do you mean? | � |
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SANTA 1 |
I don't give 'em more than three minutes for 50p. | � |
| � | Shakes his head in disbelief |
SANTA 2 |
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SANTA 1 |
If anybody else asks me if Dudley Moore is still and elf, they'll find 50-pence-worth of Santa's Magic Grotto right ... | � |
| � | Interrupting |
SANTA 2 |
Don't be like that.� Christmas is a time of fantasy, of magic, a time for families and kids, a time for giving... | � |
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SANTA 1 |
Yeah.� It's giving me a headache. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Christmas is a time for celebration, for reflecting on what it really means... | � |
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SANTA 1 |
I'll tell you what it really means.� Christmas means being back on the dole again.� Come December 24, you and me are out of a job, finished! | � |
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SANTA 2 |
But don't you wish it could go on... you know, all year? | � |
| � | Sarcastic |
SANTA 1 |
Yeah, 365 days of sweat rash from a polyester beard.� Not to mention the nappy rash from having your knee permanently wee'd on. | � |
| � | SANTA 3 enters, calling over his shoulder. |
SANTA 3 |
Ho-ho-ho!� Be back in a little while. | � |
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SANTA 1 |
You're taking a late break. | � |
| � | Laughs in a jolly way |
SANTA 3 |
You know how it is... I had trouble parking the reindeer.� Anyway, how's things? | � |
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SANTA 1 |
Grotty at the grotto. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Don't listen to him.� It's super in Santa-land. | � |
| � | Getting up and making his way offstage |
SANTA 1 |
Oh well, back to the grindstone.� How's YOUR lip? | � |
| � | SANTA 3 looks puzzled |
SANTA 3 |
Eh? | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Don't worry about it.� He's just grumbling ... again.� He can't wait for it to be over. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
And you? | � |
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SANTA 2 |
I wish it could go on for ever, but I suppose everything's got to come to an end. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Not necessarily. It can go on. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
What do you mean?� It'll be Christmas next week. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
But it doesn't have to end at Christmas. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
They can hardly keep running Santa's Grotto until Easter. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Sure, Christmas has to end.� But what it's all about can go on ... | � |
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SANTA 2 |
What do you mean? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Well, Christmas is more than grottos and fairy lights, more than presents and Christmas trees.� A lot more. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
You�re right.� I suppose there�s the joy of giving, being with your family, sharing in the fun. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
There�s even more than that. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
You mean, carol singing and church and all that?� I suppose that�s alright if you�re religious.� I don�t mind it myself, but it�s not everybody�s cup of tea.� I mean, it�s alright in small doses... | � |
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SANTA 3 |
�... but you wouldn�t want it to go on all year.� I know what you mean.� No, I was thinking of something else.� Actually ... someONE else. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
I don�t follow. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Jesus.� I was thinking of Jesus. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Well, of course, that�s what Christmas is all about.� I suppose it wouldn't be the same without the baby in the manger.� It�d be a bit silly having Christmas without the baby Jesus. | � |
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SANTA 3 |
But some people do leave him out. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Like ol� �grumpy clogs� you mean? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Him, and a lot of others. Not only do they leave Jesus out of Christmas, but they leave him out of life in general.� If only they�d realise that Jesus can make all the difference ... not only to Christmas, but to every day. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
AFTER Christmas? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Sure. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Even when the turkey�s been eaten? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
That�s right. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
When the batteries have run out? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Recharges your system. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
Every day? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
Every day. | � |
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SANTA 2 |
All year? | � |
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SANTA 3 |
For ever. | � |
| � | Getting up to leave |
SANTA 2 |
I�d like to know more ... | � |
| � | Mumbled conversation as SANTA 2 and SANTA 3 walk off together. | � | - END - | � |