It's anybody's guess

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		It's anybody's guess

	This sketch provides an excellent opportunity not only to introduce an element of mime, but also for improvisation at rehearsal stage. The stage is set for a TV game-show. GUS GUSSET is seated centrally with his three guests to left of stage, leaving right of stage free for the MIME. MILTON KEENSVILLE is ageing but trying to stay trendy. BIMBI BLOWDRY is blonde, giggly and brainless. CLAUD FRAUD is keen to impress.
GUS	Good evening! This is Gus Gusset welcoming you to "It's Anybody's Guess"; the quiz-game in which your guess is as good as mine as our panel of guests try to guess the occupation of our mystery mimer. This week's guest guessers are Milton Keensville, the pop world's answer to the frontal lobotomy; Bimbi Blowdry, the delightful but dreadfully dim doyen of the middle-page spread; and Claud Fraud, the MP for somewhere or other, desperate to carve out a career in entertainment before being booted upstairs to obscurity in the House of Lords. Now let's see this week's mystery mimer - and remember ... "It's Anybody's guess!"
	As the mime performs, the others call out their guesses. BIMBI is perpetually excited, flustered and bubbly. GUS GUSSET is disinterested but smiles broadly at the audience.

MIME
Relaxes back against a rock.	CLAUD	Looks like a fairly sedentary occupation.
Gazes into distance.	BIMBI	No, I don't think he looks like a sentry. He looks too relaxed
Twiddles thumbs.	CLAUD	Doesn't appear to be doing much at all.
	MILTON	Must be a politician.
Smiles contentedly.	BIMBI	No ... he's smiling.
Yawns	GUS, MILTON, BIMBI, CLAUD (All yawn.)
Sits up with a start!	MILTON	You're right; he's not a politician: he's woken up.
Notices something far off - peers into distance.	BIMBI	Ooh look! He looks like he's looking.
	MILTON	He's a watchman!
Grabs (imaginary) sling and starts whirling it.	CLAUD	He's a cheer-leader?
	MILTON	He's at a football match.
Looses off a stone.	BIMBI	He's thrown something.
Annoyed at missing.	MILTON	Probably a bottle.
Grabs (imaginary) stick.	CLAUD	He picked something up, there.
	MILTON	He's a litter-collector?
	BIMBI	A taxi-driver! They pick up fares.
Runs towards problem.	MILTON	But he's running, not driving.
	BIMBI	He could be running someone to the station.
Attempts to scare off bear.	CLAUD	He's obviously annoyed.
	BIMBI	Yes! Yes! ... What's an "oyd"?
	CLAUD	(Shakes head in despair)
Jabs at bear with a stick.	MILTON	He's a lollipop man on school crossing patrol.
	BIMBI	Mmm! I like lollipops.
Is attacked by bear. Boxes bear.	CLAUD	I know ... he's a boxer.
	BIMBI	He's too tall for a boxer.
	CLAUD	You can have tall boxers.
	BIMBI	Well ,why do they call them "boxer-SHORTS"?
Is thrown onto floor.	MILTON	I think he's a wrestler.
Gets up. Fights bear.	CLAUD	He's a footballer.
Tries karate.	MILTON	Is that semaphore?
Finally defeats bear.	BIMBI	What's semaphore?
Chases off bear.	MILTON	Talking with flags, my dear.
Wipes brow.	BIMBI	Sounds silly to me. Who wants to talk to a flag? "Hello, flag. How are you?" - "Oh! I'm all of a flutter!"
Looks around. Looks puzzled.	CLAUD	He's looking a bit puzzled.
	MILTON	(Glancing at Bimbi) Aren't we all?
Calls out to sheep.	BIMBI	He's a bingo-caller!
Counts sheep into fold.	MILTON	Looks like he's counting something.
Shock! There is one missing!	CLAUD	Can't be a teacher, then.
Trudges off, seeking sheep.
Scans horizon, looking left and right.	BIMBI	(Loudly) Lookout! (MILTON and CLAUD both duck ... then realise.)
Cups hands to ears.	BIMBI	It's Prince Charles!
Listens intently.	CLAUD	Something to do with ears? A pioneer?
Starts to run.		An orienteer?
Climbs cliff.		A mountaineer? I've no idea.
Pushes through undergrowth.	MILTON	"And all because the lady loves ..."
Spots sheep. Looks happy.
Runs towards sheep.	CLAUD	Is he athletic?
Look of despair. Sheep has fallen in river!	BIMBI	No, he looks like he's breathing alright.
Watches sheep as it bobs downstream.	MILTON	He's just standing doing nothing.
	CLAUD	Perhaps he works for the Council.
Holds nose and leaps into river.	BIMBI	Looks like he works on a pig-farm.
Swims - crawl.	MILTON	Anything to do with bowling or bowlers.
	BIMBI	Is he a City gent?
	MILTON & CLAUD	Uh?
	BIMBI	They wear bowlers.
Swims - breast-stroke.	CLAUD	Is he pushing through a jungle?
	MILTON	Perhaps he's pushing through a crowd?
	BIMBI	He could be a drug-pusher!
Swims - back-stroke.	MILTON	I've got it! I've got it! He's a swimmer!
Reaches sheep and grabs it.	CLAUD	He's rescued someone.
Struggles ashore.	MILTON	He's a life-guard.
Pulls sheep up the bank.	CLAUD	He's doing something to the person he's rescued.
Dries the sheep.	BIMBI	Is it artificial perspiration?
Hoists sheep onto shoulders.	MILTON	Is he lifting someone?
Treks home, smiling.	BIMBI	Isn't he strong?
	GUS	I'm going to have to hurry you, panel. Any last minute guesses?
	MILTON	He was watching something.
	CLAUD	Guarding it.
	BIMBI	That's rather brave.
	MILTON	Protecting it, maybe.
	CLAUD	Fighting for it.
	BIMBI	He was very brave.
	CLAUD	He was concerned about something that had gone missing.
	MILTON	He went looking for it.
	BIMBI	He looked ... very brave.
	CLAUD	He found it.
	MILTON	Rescued it.
	BIMBI	That was brave!
	CLAUD	He seemed to care for it.
	MILTON	And brought it back, rejoicing.
(Both MILTON and CLAUD realise together.)	MILTON & CLAUD	Of course!
	BIMBI	Of course!
(The others look at her, surprised.)	GUS	Yes, Bimbi?
	BIMBI	Is he ... the good shepherd who gives his life for the sheep?
(Mildly astonished.)	MILTON & CLAUD	Yes!
	BB	That's in the gospel of John, chapter 10 verse 11.
(Very astonished!)	MILTON & CLAUD	That's right!
	GUS	How did you get that, Bimbi?
	BIMBI	It's anybody's guess.
	GUS	It is indeed! Join us again next week - when once again it will be "Anybody's Guess". Goodnight.
END

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