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Captain enters |
CAPTAIN |
Ahar! We be here at last. Five long
months we've been at sea, looking for this 'ere island. Now we can
start looking for the treasure. Where's that scurvy crew o' mine? |
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DEAD-EYE DAI and MAD MICK enter |
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CAPTAIN |
Ahar! It's Dead-eye Dai ... |
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DAI |
I've beached the boats, look you. |
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MICK |
And I've booted the beach. Now I'm looking
for a tourist to mug! |
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CAPTAIN |
... and Mad Mick. |
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CABIN-BOY enters, laden with a coil of rope, a
spade, a pick-axe and various other bits of equipment. |
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CAPTAIN |
Ahar, Jim lad. |
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Aside to audience |
CABIN-BOY |
My name's Christopher. |
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CAPTAIN |
Now we're all assembled, let's get on with the
business. |
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DAI |
Order! Order! |
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CAPTAIN |
Thank-you Dai. |
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MICK |
Shall I nut 'im for you, Cap'n Davy? |
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Reaching inside coat to bring out faded map. |
CAPTAIN |
We have this 'ere treasure map what was given me
by Old Jake as he lay a-dying ... his throat cut by a fanatical piratical
outlaw. |
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MICK |
I fought it was me what done 'im in, Cap'n. |
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Ignoring Mick |
CAPTAIN |
Inscribed around the edge of this 'ere map is a
piece of doggerel. |
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Reaching for map |
MICK |
Never mind, Cap'n. I'll clean it off for
you. |
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Rotates map to read verse |
CAPTAIN |
It says - "I'll give you a clue, but not a lot;
dig two feet down, X marks the spot." |
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DAI |
It's not exactly Dylan Thomas. |
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CAPTAIN |
Gather round, me hearties! Listen here.
These words have a very deep significance. 'Cos I 'appen to know that
Old Jake, what buried this treasure ... ... ... had a wooden leg. |
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Profound - then stupid |
MICK |
Very deep, Cap'n. About how deep would you
say? |
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CAPTAIN |
Well, not two feet down, that's for certain.
'Cos with a wooden leg he didn't have two feet! |
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DAI |
Speaking for myself, and I confess I find it
hard to speak for anyone else, not being a ventriloquist, I don't mind
telling you that I don't think it makes any difference WHERE you dig.
What matters is that you are sincere in your digging. We can all find
treasure, in a manner of speaking, if we dig with commitment, look you. |
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CABIN-BOY |
That doesn't make sense. |
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DAI |
Ah, but you see: the treasure is not in the
finding ... but in the digging. Where we dig is of no consequence.
Some may prefer the rigorous discipline of pick-axing rock. Others
would rather languish in the sheltered clime of a sun-kissed sandy beach.
What's important is not WHERE ... but HOW you dig. Sincerity ...
that's the thing. |
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MICK |
If he keeps prattling on, I'm gonna be digging
something for 'im ... six feet long and six feet deep! And I mean that
most sincerely, folks. |
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CAPTAIN |
Avast! Let's stay hearty, shipmates! |
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MICK |
Look 'ere, Captain. I don't believe there
is any treasure. |
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CABIN-BOY |
But what about the map? |
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MICK |
And what about it? It's just an invention
to keep us pirates off the high seas doing what we ought to be doing -
cutting throats ... walking planks ... looting ... shooting ... pillaging
... |
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CABIN-BOY |
I believe the map. |
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CAPTAIN |
Good on yer, Jim-lad. |
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Despairing |
CABIN-BOY |
Christopher's a nice name. |
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DAI |
But there's no cross on it, you see. So it
obviously means that you can put your own cross wherever you like. |
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CABIN-BOY |
Perhaps there was a cross on it and it got
rubbed off. |
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MICK |
Or covered in doggerel. |
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DAI |
Think on it, lad. Why use a cross?
Because it's made up of two lines. Two lines representing divergent
points of view. But they come together, look you, signifying that
there is truth in all points of view. So, you see, we are not actually
looking for a cross. The cross is just a symbol ... |
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As DAI has been rambling on, the CAPTAIN tries
to interrupt him. |
CAPTAIN |
Dai ... Dai ... Dead-eye Dai ... |
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Breaks into song - to the tune of "Greensleeves" |
MICK |
I'll name that tune in five. "Di-di-dead-eye-dead-eye-di-di-di" |
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CAPTAIN |
Jim-lad. Allow your cap'n to enlighten you
with his wisdom. You see, a sea-dog like myself learns a good deal
over the years. That X on the map probably don't mean an X in real
life. What it prob'ly means is some other shape ... LIKE an X, but NOT
an X. So if we waste our time looking for X's we're never gonna find
that there treasure. |
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CABIN-BOY |
So what should we be looking for, Captain? |
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CAPTAIN |
Ahar, Jim-lad. You listen to this old salt
and I'll tell 'ee. What letter is LIKE an X though it's NOT an X?
Tell me that. |
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CABIN-BOY |
Y? |
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CAPTAIN |
Don't ask why. Just tell me. |
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CABIN-BOY |
A Y Captain. A Y is a bit like an X. |
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CAPTAIN |
Think again, Jim-lad. |
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CABIN-BOY |
A V? |
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CAPTAIN |
No! |
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CABIN-BOY |
A K? |
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CAPTAIN |
No! |
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CABIN-BOY |
W? |
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CAPTAIN |
Wrong again, lad. Listen 'ere. What
we should be looking for ... is a Q. Right then! All hands
spread out and look for a Q. |
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They mill around a little, looking.
CABIN-BOY looks despairing and puzzled. As if by chance, all
characters come to stand in a line, all facing stage left. |
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Dancing around in jubilation. |
MICK |
I've found it Cap'n. I've found the Q!
I've found the Q! |
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CAPTAIN |
Where? I can't see it. |
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MICK |
Right here, Cap'n. You're at the head of
the queue, and I'm here at the end of the queue, so the treasure must be
right here, underneath our feet all the time. |
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The CAPTAIN hits MAD MICK. |
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CABIN-BOY |
Look, Captain! There on the sand!
Where the shadows of the palm-trees fall. It's a cross! |
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CAPTAIN |
Aarh! That's as may be .... but, mark my
words, it's not as simple as that. |
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Bends to dig in sand - unearthing a large wooden
X. |
CABIN-BOY |
Captain! Look! Here in the sand.
Just where the shadows cross. It's a cross! "X marks the spot"! |
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There is a moment of suspense as MAD MICK and
DEAD-EYE DAI look to the CAPTAIN. A smile crosses his face, then he
bursts into laughter. MICK and DAI join in the hearty laughter. |
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CAPTAIN |
Never mind, Jim-lad. You can't help being
young. But take it from your old cap'n; you've a lot to learn yet. |
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CABIN-BOY |
But, Captain, it's a cross! Just like it
says. |
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CAPTAIN |
Aarh! It be that an 'all. But where
were it, lad? |
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CABIN-BOY |
Just here, Captain. Just under the sand,
held in place with a piece of rock. |
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CAPTAIN |
As easy as that, huh? Well, I've been
hunting treasure now these past forty years an' I ain't never found no
treasure that easy. |
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DAI |
That's because you haven't found any treasure at
all. |
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Glares at DAI |
CAPTAIN |
Mark my words. If the treasure was that
easy to find, it would have been found by now. It ain't even worth the
digging. Come on, crew! This has been a wasted journey. |
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Turn and leave, singing. |
CAPTAIN & MICK & DAI |
"Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and
a bottle of coke!" |
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CABIN BOY kneels and digs in the sand. He
quickly discovers a sparkling necklace and a golden crown. |
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Calling after departing crew |
CABIN-BOY |
Captain! Captain! Dai! Mick! |
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From offstage, singing. |
CAPTAIN & MICK & DAI |
"Ho-ho-ho and the boy is a fool!" |
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The CABIN-BOY stuffs the treasure inside his
shirt, shrugs his shoulders and reaches down into the sand for another
handful. The lights dim. |
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- END - |
