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Peace and goodwill

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Throughout the sketch, the carol "O Little town of Bethlehem" can be heard softly in the background (followed, if necessary, by "Away in a manger")  This could be pre-recorded.

 

Throughout the sketch, the NEWSREADER is reading the news.  He finishes abruptly whenever he is "turned off" and jumps to the next item when he is "turned on" again.  As the sketch reaches its conclusion, the NEWSREADER may need to skip several items in order to finish on the final item.

 

The NEWSREADER could appear as a "speaking head" in a mock television - but it is essential that this is not seen as funny.  Alternatively, the news could be "voice off".

 

DORIS (plain and middle-aged) is watching TV with half an eye as she gets on with addressing Christmas cards (or wrapping presents, or knitting).

 

ALBERT is middle-aged and ordinary.

 

   

NEWSREADER's script

Earlier today the Palestinian Liberation Organisation  claimed responsibility for the kidnap of a diplomat from outside the Swedish embassy yesterday morning.  Fears for the safety of Olaf Lauder have been expressed by Israeli government officials.  It was reported at the weekend that Mr. Lauder had made overtures towards the warring factions in an effort to secure a temporary peace during the Christmas period for the United Nations peace-keeping forces.

 

 
     

In the face of mounting anger at Tuesday's Oxford Street bomb atrocity, the so-called Real Continuing IRA have acknowledged that the explosive device was placed by one of their members, but have disclaimed full responsibility for the killing of nine people (including three children).  A spokesman claimed that they had given strict instructions that their New Year bombing campaign was not to commence until the January sales had begun.

 

Police marksmen who shot the Beverley market-place murderer are facing mounting criticism that their response was hasty and insensitive.  Having first set fire to the local Post Office, Shane Buckler roamed the streets of the quiet country town for almost an hour in an orgy of wanton killing.  Armed with a rifle and two shotguns, Buckler was responsible for the deaths of seventeen people (including two policemen) before his reign of terror was brought to an end.

 

Prisoners at Sparksworth Prison, who have been holding hostage three prison officers since last Thursday, today renewed their threats that they were prepared to kill their hostages unless their demands were met.  Three of the prisoners involved in last week's riots, who were being treated for injuries sustained in the violence, are holding a young nurse as a hostage at Saint Hilda's Hospital where they were being treated.

 

According to a reliable source in Kaluchistan, rebel troops, who had been gathering on the borders for several days, have now taken control of all government and communications systems in the major cities.  There are reports that the recently elected " People's Council" has been deposed and that Karajan Matela, the popularly acclaimed "People's Chairman", has been killed.

 

In South Africa, a spokesman for the extremist "New Nationalist Party" has defended the policy statement issued last week which sought to provoke rioting and civil unrest.  The spokesman claimed that such measures were the only means remaining whereby "true nationalists" could express their frustration at the government's half-hearted attempts to re-impose a complete and comprehensive system of apartheid.  He further claimed that the rioting of the past few days was perfectly justified and that the killings, though regrettable, were "a necessary means to an end."

 

In an official statement from the White House, the President today denied any United States involvement in the recent coup in Central America.  The coup was achieved after three days of fighting in the streets of the capital city, which left over 600 dead.  The Marxist head of state is believed to have escaped to Cuba.

 

ADD FURTHER NEWS ITEMS AS NECESSARY

 
  ALBERT enters during the third news item.

ALBERT

What's this?  
  Slightly disinterested.

DORIS

I dunno.  The news or something.  I'm just waiting for the film to come on.  
  ALBERT listens to the next item, tutting - then becomes more and more annoyed at what he hears.

ALBERT

Shooting's too good for 'im!  They should string 'em up!  Animals!  
  ALBERT turns to DORIS

ALBERT

Are you listening to this?  Bombings, murders, attacks.  It's supposed to be the season of Peace and Goodwill, ain't it?  People don't want to hear about all that kind of thing.  Turn it off!    
  DORIS sees no reason to get upset.

DORIS

I wasn't really listening.  I was just waiting for the film.  
  ALBERT gets more irate.

ALBERT

Don't argue, woman.  Turn it off!  
   

DORIS

Give over!  I only want to watch the film.  It's got that Roger Whatsisname in it.  
  ALBERT goes over to turn off the set.

ALBERT

There!  I'm having none of that sort of stuff in my house over Christmas.  Why they put it on in the first place beats me.  People don't want to hear about the troubles of the world.  Not at Christmas.  
  DORIS turns the TV back on.

DORIS

No.  They just want to watch the film.  
   

ALBERT

Except that the film's not on.  It's all riots and bombs and killings.  Whatever happened to "peace and goodwill".  
  ALBERT switches the set off

.

   
  DORIS is getting very annoyed.

DORIS

Well, mine's rapidly running out.  If you don't stop messing about with that television set I'm going to lose my temper.  
  DORIS switches the TV on.      
  ALBERT is excited and angry.

ALBERT

See!  See! That's what I mean.  You watch the stuff - you get to be like it.  Don't you go threatening me, woman.  It's the season of Peace and Goodwill.  
 

ALBERT switches the set off. The argument is becoming more and more heated.  DORIS is now losing her temper with ALBERT's stubborn attitude.  She pushes past ALBERT to turn the TV on again.  ALBERT is now well and truly "over the top".

   
   

ALBERT

So!  Push me around, would you?  Can't get your own way, eh?  So you get violent!  We'll see about that!  
  Pushing DORIS with increasing violence.  DORIS is responding in kind.  The volume of their exchanges is increasing. 

ALBERT

I'll not have violence in my own home!  
   

DORIS

Nobody's telling me what I can watch on the telly.  
  Loudly.

ALBERT

There's enough violence.  We need more "Peace and Goodwill"!  
  Equally loudly.

DORIS

We need the film!  
  Shouting.

ALBERT

Peace and Goodwill!  
  Also shouting.

DORIS

The film!  
  In a violent outburst, ALBERT knocks DORIS to the floor.  A loud thud is heard as she hits her head.  DORIS lies still.  ALBERT is a little hesitant as he crouches over DORIS's still body.  ALBERT realises what he has done.

 

   
   

ALBERT

Doris? Doris?  Oh my ....  
  The NEWSREADER delivers his final news item

NEWSREADER

Earlier this evening, police in Hull arrested Albert Stansmore for the murder of his wife, Doris.  It is believed the couple, who had been married for 27 years, had been involved in a domestic argument.  As police led him away, Mr Stansmore was heard to mutter, "It was Peace and Goodwill".  
 

- END -