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Nativity Panto

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This sketch seeks to combine a traditional nativity with the fun of pantomime without becoming irreverent.  (Hence, Mary and Joseph do not feature in the sketch.)  It is the responsibility of the two NARRATORS to keep the sketch moving at a reasonable pace.  SHEPHERD 2 can be played as a fool.  WISEMAN 3 is more serious than his colleagues.  HEROD is a real pantomime villain and the audience should be encouraged to hiss and boo at his appearance.

 

Three SHEPHERDS are on stage.  SHEPHERD 1 is attentive.  SHEPHERD 3 is dozing.  SHEPHERD 2 is picking his nose.  NARRATORS are positioned either side of stage.

 
   

NARRATOR 1

As now it's nearly Christmas time

We bring to you our pantomime.

Not in the land of fairy-tale

But in the land of Is-ra-el.
   

NARRATOR 2

No Cinders here, no sisters spotty,

No Alladin, no Jack, no giants grotty,

But wisemen three, and shepherds, a few,

An ox and an ass and a camel.
  Holding nose

NARRATOR 1

 Pooh!
   

NARRATOR 2

So now it's time to set the scene,

Out upon the hillsides green,

Reclining there in slumber deep,

A group of "lookers after sheep".
   

NARRATOR 1

The reason we've not called them "shepherds"

Is nothing rhymes with that but "leopards",

And in Israel then there were very few,

Save those that lived in the Galilee Zoo.
  The ANGEL appears onstage.  SHEPHERDs react.  
   

NARRATOR 2

All at once a flash of light

Fair gave those shepherds quite a fright.
   

SHEPHERD 1

I can't believe what I am seeing -

A shining great angelic being!
  Quietly - just loud enough to be heard

ANGEL

 Fear not,
   

NARRATOR 2

 It said, with voice like thunder.
  Sarcastic

NARRATOR 1

 That hardly rent the heavens asunder.
  A little louder

ANGEL

 Fear not,
   

NARRATOR 2

 It said, in a slightly louder voice.
   

NARRATOR 1

 Who picked him for the part; it's a pretty poor choice.
  Shouting

ANGEL

 Fear not!
   

NARRATOR 2

 It yelled.  That made us quake!
   

SHEPHERD 1

Are you sure you haven't made a mistake

We're only shepherds, the very least;

Would you like a rabbi,
   

SHEPHERD 2

 Perhaps a priest?
   

SHEPHERD 1

A Levite, Scribe or Pharisee,

I'm sure you really can't mean me!
  Getting into the part

ANGEL

 Fear not, I say, I bring good news!
   

SHEPHERD 2

 They're putting down the price of booze!
  Slightly annoyed

ANGEL

For you in David's town this night

Is born a baby
  Interrupting

SHEPHERD 2

That's alright;

It can't be mine 'cos I'm not married.
  Exasperated - losing temper.

ANGEL

Will you listen?  This message from heaven I've carried.

So shut your noise, stop messing around,

Just get yourselves down to Bethlehem town.
  The ANGEL exits.  The SHEPHERDS mime the narrative.  
   

NARRATOR 1

So up they got and down they chased

To Bethlehem town; they made great haste.

They saw the baby in the straw.
   

SHEPHERD 2

 By 'eck
   

NARRATOR 1

 they cried, and
   

SHEPHERD 1

 Wow!
   

NARRATOR 1

 and
   

SHEPHERD 3

 Cor!
   

NARRATOR 2

They gathered round and had a peep;

They brought the child a woolly sheep.

Then off they went back to the fire

To talk about this new Messiah.
  SHEPHERDS exit.  WISEMEN enter, carrying gifts.  
   

NARRATOR 1

Meanwhile, in far-off Eastern clime,

Three wise men are having a chat - in rhyme.
   

WISEMAN 2

 What's this icky-goo?
   

WISEMAN 1

It's frankincense;

You'll leave it alone if you've got any sense.
   

WISEMAN 2

 It's sticky, gooey and it's runny.
   

WISEMAN 1

 Leave off, it cost me loads o' money.
  Serious

WISEMAN 3

Myrrh is mystic, dark, mysterious.

It speaks of death and all things serious.

A gift so strange to give a baby.

I wonder, am I mistaken maybe?
   

WISEMAN 2

 I rub my lamp, see the genie appear!
   

WISEMAN 1

You fool, that's the panto we did last year.

You're supposed to bring a gift of gold
   

WISEMAN 2

Well I would've done if I'd been told.

But wait, although this lamp's an old 'un,

I'm fairly certain that it's golden.
   

WISEMAN 3

A very long journey we must make:

Let's think of the things we'll need to take.
   

WISEMAN 1

We'll need dollars and sterling and Japanese yen

And plenty of Euros and cheque-book and pen.
  Producing card

WISEMAN 2

Now don't get yourself in a state of distress.

Leave all that behind - take American Express.
   

NARRATOR 1

So off they set upon the way

But oh those camels, how they sway!

And camels travel incredibly slow,
   

NARRATOR 2

 Slower than British Rail, you know.
   

WISEMAN 1

But have some patience, please don't go -

We'll see you later in the show.
  The WISEMEN exit.    
   

NARRATOR 2

Get ready to boo - prepare to hiss

As we meet the villain of the piece.

'Tis Herod the Great, or so he's called,

Though he's thin as a rake and going bald.
  HEROD is swathed in a black cloak - which he sweeps dramatically.

HEROD

I heard just recently of a baby

Born quite nearby, and thought that maybe

For my royal throne here's a contender,

But watch out!  I can be quite a pretender.
  As HEROD prowls the stage.

NARRATOR 2

Now as the town of Bethlehem dreams,

King Herod plots, King Herod schemes.

King Herod plans what he will do.

Now altogether - let's give him a boo!
  Both NARRATORs encourage audience to boo.    
  HEROD taunts the audience.

HEROD

Oh please don't scream and please don't yell,

It really upsets me.  Does it hell!

Call out if you must, "Look out behind you!"

I promise you this much; I won't mind you.

I'm cunning!  A fox!  A slippery snake!

When I find the kid, his life I'll take.
  HEROD moves across to one side of the stage as the WISEMEN re-enter.  
   

NARRATOR 1

The wise men eventually did arrive;

They don't make camels with overdrive.
   

WISEMAN 1

My camel only had first gear

So we've been travelling for over a year.
   

WISEMAN 3

We've slept in the daytime; we've travelled at night

So we could keep the star in sight.
  Produces "STAR" newspaper

WISEMAN 2

It costs 20p and it's worth it, by jingo!

You could win a fortune on the bingo!
  WISEMAN 1 grabs the paper, rolls it up and hits WISEMAN 2 over the head with it.  
   

NARRATOR 1

Fearing no evil, suspecting no malice,

The kings went along to ask at the palace.
   

WISEMAN 3

Where will the baby king be born?

We've followed his star from dusk till dawn

For many a mile for months on end.

Pray, which way now should our footsteps bend?
   

NARRATOR 2

Herod seethed and Herod raged,

He was like a lion caged.

He wanted to shout and scream and swear,

Instead he whispered,
  Smarmy

HEROD

Go with care;

Go find the child and when you do,

Tell me so I can coochy-coo:

So I can rock and sway the child,

Treat him gently, treat him mild.
  Aside, to audience.  Evil.  

And when you wise men are not looking

I'll hatch the plan that I've been cooking.

I'll kill the child, I'll choke the brat!

Let's see you worship after that!
  To wise men, nice again.  

So - off you go along your way,

See you later. Have a nice day!
  Herod moves to rear of stage. The WISEMEN move around the stage, ending up stage front.  
   

NARRATOR 1

They found the baby soon enough,

Opened their gifts of gold and stuff.
   

WISEMAN 2

 I rubbed my lamp - still nothing occurred
   

WISEMAN 1

 That's last year's panto or haven't you heard?
  The ANGEL appears

NARRATOR 1

But late that night the wise men dreamed.

All was not as it had seemed.

An angel appeared
   

WISEMAN 2

 Or was it a genie?
   

NARRATOR 1

 He said,
   

ANGEL

That Herod is a meanie.

Go home another way, make it quick!
   

WISEMAN 2

 I'm glad!  That camel made me sick!
   

NARRATOR 1

So off towards the East they trotted,

Not back to the palace as Herod had plotted.
  The WISEMEN move around the stage.

NARRATOR 2

What's this?  Is Herod getting wild?

The kings have scampered - and the child!
  HEROD searches - in vain.  

But Herod would not let them go,

He searched high and he searched low.
  HEROD moves to front of stage.  WISEMEN move to back.

HEROD

 Come here, you jerks, I'm gonna find you.
 

To audience - encourage participation.

Possibly use large "prompt-boards".

NARRATOR 2

 Altogether ... LOOK BEHIND YOU!
  The WISEMEN make good their escape.  HEROD storms offstage.  The audience is encouraged to boo, etc.  
   

NARRATOR 1

Safe in God's hands, they fled with the child,

Joseph strong and Mary mild.

For news they waited of Herod's decease,

For when they could return in peace.

They brought the child to their home again.

He grew in favour with God and men.
   

NARRATOR 2

The Lord was with him as he grew,

And pretty soon the Saviour knew

The time was right for him to speak;

To set his face toward Holy Week.
   

NARRATOR 1

If you liked our sketch in panto-style

Then muse on this one thought a while:

Though Herod could not harm our Lord ...

At least he wasn't just ignored.

- END -