The door

The Door

Because this is a very visual sketch, there is necessarily a lot of stage direction. Feel free to improvise.

SCENE: A door set in a wall. It is essential that the door is capable of opening.

Enter two “robbers” dressed in striped jumpers, caps and black eye-masks (as in the Beano comic). They are likeable “larger than life” characters. CHARLIE carries a sack marked “SWAG”. BERT carries a tool-bag. He places the tool-bag in such a position that he can take out a succession of props – which in total would never have fitted into the bag. (It may be possible to rig up a small screen to achieve this effect.) As there are quite a few props, some of which may be difficult to obtain, it may be easier to draw them (in black and white) and cut them out of stiff card, so that they are deliberately two-dimensional. This particular ploy, rather than detracting from the sketch, actually adds to the “cartoon” effect.

With a nifty look over his shoulder, CHARLIE swaggers confidently across to the door.

CHARLIE		What do you reckon, Bert?
BERT		Dunno, Charlie. You’re the expert.
CHARLIE	Scans the door and its surrounds.	No alarm system; no bolts; no padlocks; no nuffing.
BERT		You’re right, Charlie.
CHARLIE		A doddle.
BERT		To work?
CHARLIE		To work.
	BERT takes out from the bag a small collapsible card-table and sets it up centre-stage. From the bag, BERT also takes out a tool-roll and unrolls it on the table. Meanwhile, CHARLIE is methodically putting on a pair of rubber gloves and flexing his fingers. The two adopt an air of professionalism, as if they were surgeons at an operation. CHARLIE is the “chief surgeon”, BERT is his assistant.
CHARLIE	Holds out hand to BERT.	Spray.
	BERT clasps his hands and bows his head in prayer. CHARLIE looks wonderingly at BERT then cuffs him round the head.
CHARLIE		I said, “spray” … the spray.
BERT	Takes an aerosol can from the tool-roll and hands it to CHARLIE.	Sorry, I thought ….Spray.
CHARLIE	Sprays into the keyhole of the door.	Keys.
BERT	Hands CH a large bunch of keys from the tool-roll.	Keys.
CHARLIE	CHARLIE looks expertly at the keys before choosing one. He tries it in the lock only to find that it doesn’t fit. He glances over his shoulder to see if BERT has noticed before selecting a second choice, then a third, then a fourth. BERT loses interest and starts to read a comic. CHARLIE eventually hands back the keys with a casual toss of the head.	I … er … think we’ll try the picks.
BERT	Hands CHARLIE a bunch of angled wires of various sizes.	Right you are, Charlie. Picks.
CHARLIE	Flexes his fingers before delicately choosing a pick. He tries this in the lock with no success. As before, he tries various others to no avail. BERT, meanwhile, is picking his finger-nails meticulously.	Of course … should have seen it earlier. Screwdriver.
BERT	Hands CHARLIE a screwdriver from the tool-roll.	Of course. Screwdriver.
CHARLIE	Makes an attempt to unscrew the lock. No success.	Philips screwdriver.
BERT	Looks puzzled.	Philip’s got it.
CHARLIE		Doh! Philips screwdriver … with the little star thingy on the end of it.
BERT	Hunts for screwdriver and passes it to CHARLIE.	Oops! Philips screwdriver.
CHARLIE	CHARLIE now works his way through a succession of tools, becoming slightly more frantic with each new demand. He shields what he is doing from BERT and the audience but loud thumping, clanking, bashing noises betray that it lacks finesse.	Pliers.
BERT		Pliers.
CHARLIE		Hammer.
BERT		Hammer.
CHARLIE		Chisel.
BERT		Chisel.
CHARLIE		Drill.
BERT	Now resorts to the tool-bag and hands CHARLIE a drill	Drill.
CHARLIE		Jemmy.
BERT		Jemmy.
CHARLIE		Sledge.
BERT	Producing a snow-sledge from the tool-bag.	Sledge.
CHARLIE		SledgeHAMMER!
BERT	Hunts in the bag to find the tool.	As you were, Charlie. Sledgehammer.
CHARLIE	CHARLIE now sets about trying to demolish the door, but to no avail. He then turns his attention to digging around the base of the door.	Spade.
BERT		Spade.
CHARLIE		Pickaxe.
BERT		Pickaxe.
CHARLIE		Pneumatic drill.
BERT		Pneumatic drill.
CHARLIE	Finally turning from the door, exhausted. Tools litter the ground. Sweat drips from his forehead.	This one’s slightly more difficult than usual, Bert.
BERT	Chirpy	If you say so, Charlie.
CHARLIE		It’s a little extreme, perhaps, but …. Pass me the jelly!
BERT	BERT reaches into the tool-bag to produce a plate of jelly	Ho-ho, jelly, eh, Charlie.
CHARLIE		Not jelly …. Gelly …. Gelignite!
BERT	Roots around in the bag.	Sorry, Charlie, my mistake. Gelignite.
CHARLIE	Fixes the gelignite to the door.	Detonator.
BERT		Detonator.
CHARLIE	Eases the detonator into the gelignite.	Cable.
BERT		Cable.
CHARLIE	Attaches the cable to the detonator.	Plunger.
BERT	Produces a rubber sink-plunger.	Plunger.
CHARLIE	He is exasperated and forms his hands into fists. He starts to advance on BERT but checks himself and turns his fists downwards to mime the plunging action.
BERT	Looks quizzical – then likewise makes a plunging action – realises – and turns to produce a plunger-detonator from the tool-bag.
CHARLIE	Attaches the end of the cable to the plunger mechanism. Carrying the plunger, CHARLIE and BERT retreat to the far side of the stage – perhaps even to the back of the hall. BERT puts his fingers in his ears.
CHARLIE		Fingers.
BERT	Does not hear, because he has his fingers in his ears.
CHARLIE	Removes BERT’s fingers and repeats …	Fingers.
BERT	BERT now stands behind CHARLIE and places his fingers in CHARLIE’s ears as CHARLIE prepares to operate the plunger to detonate the explosive.	Sorry, Charlie.
CHARLIE	Plunges! There is a loud explosion! Bursting a balloon just offstage is quite effective. Alternatively, a large jagged “flash-card” printed with the word “BANG” appears near the door. The door stands intact. CHARLIE and BERT make their way back to the door. CHARLIE sinks to a seated position on the floor.
CHARLIE	Weakly	Bucket.
BERT	Produces a bucket of water from the bag	Bucket.
CHARLIE		Sponge.
BERT	Produces a sponge from the bucket	Sponge.
CHARLIE		(Sighs.)
BERT	Squeezes the wet sponge over CHARLIE’s head. Sinks to the ground beside CHARLIE.	(Sighs.)

	Without a word, a young CHILD enters and walks across to the door. The CHILD steps over BERT and CHARLIE and knocks firmly on the door. The door opens and the CHILD enters. CHARLIE collapses even further to lay full-stretch on the ground. BERT takes CHARLIE's legs and drags him from the scene.
- END -

Jesus said, “I am the door.” (JOHN 10:9)

“…to him who knocks it will be opened.” (LUKE 10:10)