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X marks the spot

We often make things more complicated than they need to be - especially in matters of faith.  This sketch highlights the importance of keeping it simple.

 

CHARACTERS:  CAP'N DAVY (a pirate captain);  DEAD-EYE DAI (A welsh pirate with an eye patch);  MAD MICK (a lovable thick thug); CABIN BOY

 

SCENE: An island beach with a pair of palm trees.  There is a pile of sand centre-front.

 

COSTUME: Traditional pirate attire - knotted shirts, bright bandanas, gold ear-rings, tattoos.  The captain could wear a frock-coat and a tricorn hat.  A stuffed parrot (or other bird?) on his shoulder would add to the comic effect.

 
CAPTAIN Enters Ahar!  We be here at last.  Five long months we've been at sea, looking for this 'ere island.  Now we can start looking for the treasure.  Where's that scurvy crew o' mine?
  DEAD-EYE DAI and MAD MICK enter  
CAPTAIN   Ahar!  It's Dead-eye Dai ...
DAI   I've beached the boats, look you.
MICK   And I've booted the beach.  Now I'm looking for a tourist to mug!
CAPTAIN   ... and Mad Mick.
  CABIN-BOY enters, laden with a coil of rope, a spade, a pick-axe and various other bits of equipment.  
CAPTAIN   Ahar, Jim lad.
CABIN-BOY Aside to audience My name's Christopher.
CAPTAIN   Now we're all assembled, let's get on with the business.
DAI   Order!  Order!
CAPTAIN   Thank-you Dai.
MICK   Shall I nut 'im for you, Cap'n Davy?
CAPTAIN Reaching inside coat to bring out faded map. We have this 'ere treasure map what was given me by Old Jake as he lay a-dying ... his throat cut by a fanatical piratical outlaw.
MICK   I fought it was me what done 'im in, Cap'n.
CAPTAIN Ignoring Mick Inscribed around the edge of this 'ere map is a piece of doggerel.
MICK Reaching for map Never mind, Cap'n.  I'll clean it off for you.
CAPTAIN Rotates map to read verse It says - "I'll give you a clue, but not a lot; dig two feet down, X marks the spot."
DAI   It's not exactly Dylan Thomas.
CAPTAIN   Gather round, me hearties!  Listen here.  These words have a very deep significance.  'Cos I 'appen to know that Old Jake, what buried this treasure ... ... ... had a wooden leg.
MICK Profound - then stupid Very deep, Cap'n.  About how deep would you say?
CAPTAIN   Well, not two feet down, that's for certain.  'Cos with a wooden leg he didn't have two feet!
DAI   Speaking for myself, and I confess I find it hard to speak for anyone else, not being a ventriloquist, I don't mind telling you that I don't think it makes any difference WHERE you dig.  What matters is that you are sincere in your digging.  We can all find treasure, in a manner of speaking, if we dig with commitment, look you.
CABIN-BOY   That doesn't make sense.
DAI   Ah, but you see: the treasure is not in the finding ... but in the digging.  Where we dig is of no consequence.  Some may prefer the rigorous discipline of pick-axing rock.  Others would rather languish in the sheltered clime of a sun-kissed sandy beach.  What's important is not WHERE ... but HOW you dig.  Sincerity ... that's the thing.
MICK   If he keeps prattling on, I'm gonna be digging something for 'im ... six feet long and six feet deep!  And I mean that most sincerely, folks.
CAPTAIN   Avast!  Let's stay hearty, shipmates!
MICK   Look 'ere, Captain.  I don't believe there is any treasure.
CABIN-BOY   But what about the map?
MICK   And what about it?  It's just an invention to keep us pirates off the high seas doing what we ought to be doing - cutting throats ... walking planks ... looting ... shooting ... pillaging ...
CABIN-BOY   I believe the map.
CAPTAIN   Good on yer, Jim-lad.
CABIN-BOY Despairing Christopher's a nice name.
DAI   But there's no cross on it, you see.  So it obviously means that you can put your own cross wherever you like.
CABIN-BOY   Perhaps there was a cross on it and it got rubbed off.
MICK   Or covered in doggerel.
DAI   Think on it, lad.  Why use a cross?  Because it's made up of two lines.  Two lines representing divergent points of view.  But they come together, look you, signifying that there is truth in all points of view.  So, you see, we are not actually looking for a cross.  The cross is just a symbol ...
CAPTAIN As DAI has been rambling on, the CAPTAIN tries to interrupt him. Dai ... Dai ... Dead-eye Dai ...
MICK Breaks into song - to the tune of "Greensleeves" I'll name that tune in five.  "Di-di-dead-eye-dead-eye-di-di-di"
CAPTAIN   Jim-lad.  Allow your cap'n to enlighten you with his wisdom.  You see, a sea-dog like myself learns a good deal over the years.  That X on the map probably don't mean an X in real life.  What it prob'ly means is some other shape ... LIKE an X, but NOT an X.  So if we waste our time looking for X's we're never gonna find that there treasure.
CABIN-BOY   So what should we be looking for, Captain?
CAPTAIN   Ahar, Jim-lad.  You listen to this old salt and I'll tell 'ee.  What letter is LIKE an X though it's NOT an X?  Tell me that.
CABIN-BOY   Y?
CAPTAIN   Don't ask why.  Just tell me.
CABIN-BOY   A Y Captain.  A Y is a bit like an X.
CAPTAIN   Think again, Jim-lad.
CABIN-BOY   A V?
CAPTAIN   No!
CABIN-BOY   A K?
CAPTAIN   No!
CABIN-BOY   W?
CAPTAIN   Wrong again, lad.  Listen 'ere.  What we should be looking for ... is a Q.  Right then!  All hands spread out and look for a Q.
  They mill around a little, looking.  CABIN-BOY looks despairing and puzzled.  As if by chance, all characters come to stand in a line, all facing stage left.  
MICK Dancing around in jubilation. I've found it Cap'n.  I've found the Q!  I've found the Q!
CAPTAIN   Where?  I can't see it.
MICK   Right here, Cap'n.  You're at the head of the queue, and I'm here at the end of the queue, so the treasure must be right here, underneath our feet all the time.
  The CAPTAIN hits MAD MICK.  
CABIN-BOY   Look, Captain!  There on the sand!  Where the shadows of the palm-trees fall.  It's a cross!
CAPTAIN   Aarh!  That's as may be .... but, mark my words, it's not as simple as that.
CABIN-BOY Bends to dig in sand - unearthing a large wooden X. Captain!  Look!  Here in the sand.  Just where the shadows cross.  It's a cross!  "X marks the spot"!
  There is a moment of suspense as MAD MICK and DEAD-EYE DAI look to the CAPTAIN.  A smile crosses his face, then he bursts into laughter.  MICK and DAI join in the hearty laughter.  
CAPTAIN   Never mind, Jim-lad.  You can't help being young.  But take it from your old cap'n; you've a lot to learn yet.
CABIN-BOY   But, Captain, it's a cross!  Just like it says.
CAPTAIN   Aarh!  It be that an 'all.  But where were it, lad?
CABIN-BOY   Just here, Captain.  Just under the sand, held in place with a piece of rock.
CAPTAIN   As easy as that, huh?  Well, I've been hunting treasure now these past forty years an' I ain't never found no treasure that easy.
DAI   That's because you haven't found any treasure at all.
CAPTAIN Glares at DAI Mark my words.  If the treasure was that easy to find, it would have been found by now.  It ain't even worth the digging.  Come on, crew!  This has been a wasted journey.
CAPTAIN & MICK & DAI Turn and leave, singing. "Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of coke!"
  CABIN BOY kneels and digs in the sand.  He quickly discovers a sparkling necklace and a golden crown.  
CABIN-BOY Calling after departing crew Captain!  Captain!  Dai!  Mick!
CAPTAIN & MICK & DAI From offstage, singing. "Ho-ho-ho and the boy is a fool!"
  The CABIN-BOY stuffs the treasure inside his shirt, shrugs his shoulders and reaches down into the sand for another handful.  The lights dim.  
- END -